Bob and David

LISTEN TO THIS MAN - HE WANTS WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU! (an appreciation)

2010-02-26T16:01:45Z

This is, perhaps, the most impactful piece of advertising I have ever encountered. The announcer genuinely wants us to embrace the product, more than that; he NEEDS us to need the product, NOW...]]> his commitment is total, his desire overwhelming him. I feel in fear of my life if I do not purchase the shoe-dini in question as soon as is humanly possible. I am stricken with a great wave of unease by the knowledge that I am now, at this moment, utterly shoe-dini-less, and will remain so until said implement arrives in the mail, and that thought makes me wish for a swifter mail service to ease my feelings of existential nausea. Plus, if you didn't notice, the announcer is rhyming a lot.

A MR. SHOW FLASHBACK REWIND REMEMBERER -how is this shit not on iTunes?

2010-01-29T20:12:00Z

...must write...something

2010-01-29T19:47:56Z

But I am now making this pledge...ONCE A MONTH! Do you hear that, David? Once a month I will write something, or maybe just post a picture of a dying tree. Loathe as I am to blog about anything, here goes; I am developing a pilot for FX, I reprised my role as "Saul Goodman" in the third season of "Breaking Bad" - really fun to be a part of that, I helped engineer a pilot on MTV for the great and hilarious John Roberts, and I wrote some movies and half-wrote some others...with more to come. And today I made a pastrami sandwich and a turkey sandwich for my kids to throw out at school.

A BOOK TO GET FOR XMAS...besides David's, which you already have.

2009-11-22T05:56:40Z

This is that great book of interviews with comedy writers, including BOB, that is really smart and informative and entertaining...except for Bob's, which is sort of the same old crap. But seriously, otherwise it's really good. And you have David's book already, right? Come on...get with the program. JUST TAP HERE.

BRUCE ROBINSON, one of my favorite writer/directors, NOVEMBER 17!

2009-11-04T23:58:09Z

CHECK IT OUT HERE. HOWEVER, BRUCE WILL STILL BE THERE, SHOWING THIS GREAT GREAT MOVIE. Bruce also wrote "The Killing Fields" and wrote and directed "How To Get Ahead in Advertising", in addition, he acted in Franco Zeffirelli's classic ]]> version of "Romeo and Juliet". He's written many, many films. He's been beaten and bloodied but never bowed by the "industry". He's The Shit in a world where most stuff is just shit. This will sell out fast and you'll someday be able to tell people you were in a room with a great artist.

ARE YOU PLANNING ON ACTING IN A HOAX?! Learn from the best!

2009-10-20T03:53:32Z

THE REVIEWS ARE IN! RICHARD HEENE--the mastermind behind the BELOVED WORLDWIDE PHENOMENON of BALLOON BOY--and his wife met in an acting class and it sure must have worked, because none other than JIM ALDERDEN - the sheriff of Larimer County gave them five stars when he said that they, " put on a very good show for us and we bought it." Are you PLANNING ON ACTING IN A HOAX? DO YOU WANT TO PUT ON A "VERY GOOD SHOW"? Then it's time to consider PETER ALMONDINI'S ACTING FOR HOAXES!! Peter Almondini (credits below**) has been teaching acting for hoaxes for...]]> The Tawana Brawley Mystery, According To Jim, Robert Blake's Gun That He Left Behind at the Bar, and the Blues Brothers 2000! Peter will teach you techniques on; "How To Act Surprised", How to Tell When They Are Filming You, and "How to Act Insulted When They Accuse You of Being A Hoaxer"! Did you know that acting began with Hoaxes? Shakespeare's first three plays were hoaxes meant to prank people into believing he was a famous playwright! He never even wrote them! Peter will show you how to create a hoax that's just right for you and that will land you that perfect reality TV series that can launch your BLOCKBUSTER MOVIE CAREER, just like superstar Morgan Freeman did when he claimed to have been THE FIRST BLACK MAN to have seen the Loch Ness Monster!! All your favorite actors began by pulling hoaxes! Jack Nicholson was the famous "Man stuck in a well" in Midland Texas in 1972! Kenneth Branagh famously was the "Boy Stuck In An Attic for 2 years!" which got him a blue ribbon ticket to the Royal Academy of British Acting! You can do it, too! Make your dreams come true! * Peter Hestus Almondini has appeared as "Guest" in 12 wedding videos in 5 states, his picture has been taken (in character) over 42 times, he has Danced in "the Hokey Pokey" at least 12 times, and he has performed 5 toasts at weddings. Peter's special skills include; fluent in all American dialects, photography, has 50 pairs of shoes, swimming in shallow water (up to 5 feet), certified to operate dry cleaning machine, eats up to 5 meals a day, trivia, bike riding, recycling, can operate a whisk.

THAT'S RIGHT, BITCHES - THE NO-FUCKING-BEL! Obama's first draft

2009-10-15T23:17:07Z

a new prize they just started giving out! Ha and Ha! You assholes. Eat my shit, you loads. Oh, and God bless America. Yours, President Barack Obama

A GREAT BOOK

2009-09-23T17:00:59Z

and not because I'm in it...believe me. I'm the part of the book where you go to the shitter (Canadian for toilet). But George Meyer, Irving Brecher, Gelbart, Marshall Brickman...whew...geniusers. Don't believe me, read this REVIEW

COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS shirts 4 SALE!!

2009-09-23T16:49:37Z

Get a really cool, dorky, Comedy-By-The-Numbers T-shirt like THIS ONE and be the shirtiest kid on your block! There are also three other styles...

DAVID CROSS ON TOUR

2009-09-23T16:43:51Z

here's a link

DIDN'T WORK FOR ME...my online reviews

2009-09-23T16:14:59Z

- He wasn't! Huckleberry Finn, a nasty character, takes a freed slave down a river in a raft. They see some things, almost tip over, blah-de-blah...the end. And it's all written in pitiful childspeak. Was Mr. Twain's keyboard broken? Sad. What was I thinking when I checked this out? I returned it late and had to PAY a FINE! I ripped up my library card as well as the receipt for payment. Yeesh - that was an adventure I never want to relive! SPOILER ALERT FOR YOUR LIFE: Don't listen to your co-workers, even your boss, even if he IS a Lawyer and your uncle. Trust me, you'll thank me. Francis Ford Coppola's THE GODFATHER HALF! star DIDN'T WORK FOR ME By MisterEveryman What's all the fuss?!! I was told by EVERYONE in my EX-BOOK CLUB at WORK that I had to see Francis Coppolo's "GodFather Number One". Why? "Because", they screamed at me, "It won some Oscars"! FOR WHAT? - TEDIUM?!! I am heartbroken to have to report that it was PURE CINEMATIC DRIVEL! Take note - I am a huuuuuuge fan of Godfather's Two and Three - (I tend to watch things out of order - still haven't seen the first "Jaws"!) But #1 represents a serious stumble on the part of the great Coppola and Puzzo team. It's a mish-mash re-hash of stories that stumble and start and stop and then, suddenly, out of nowhere, at the end, is a MONTAGE of VIOLENCE!! (BTW - "montage" is a French-derived word for "a film-maker throwing up his hands and shouting, "I dunno - YOU figure it out!") And what was that baptism stuff about? Was that supposed to SIGNIFY something? I don't think so. Methinks someone's been hitting the ol' vino a bit too hard. Heads up, if you force yourself to sit through this you will then have to force yourself to pretend to like it, otherwise incur the wrath of everyone at work, INCLUDING YOUR UNCLE AND EVEN THE TEMPS! And heads up - if you borrow the DVD from someone who works at your workplace, return it promptly or risk being labeled an annoyance and chatterbox! The only reason I give it half a star is because it spawned the excellent GODFATHER #3! See that one, miss this one, thank me and you're welcome! THE BEATLES' "WHITE ALBUM" ZERO STARS Didn't Work For Me By MisterEveryman I am a GINORMOUS The Beatles fan! I am! I have every one of their albums, including reissues AND their funny, funny, Christmas messages to fans. I have over 60 bootlegs! SPOILER ALERT - The Beatles are, some might say, the PRIMORDIAL pop group of all time. But somehow, after all these years, the one album I'd never gotten around to was this infamous unnamed double set. When a temp at my workplace whom I'd never met before (and who quit the next day) saw me wearing my The Beatles! tie and commented on it, I filled him in on my fandom. When he heard I'd never heard the "White" album, he INSISTED I must hear it immediately and ran down to get it from his car. I couldn't wait to get to my uncle's guest - house where I am living while he is out of town (soon after my arrival he started a new "branch" of the law business a couple miles south), to plop it into the player, eager to hear more "The Beatles" brilliance. All I can say is Fooey! My ears almost jumped out of their sockets! What drivel! From the melody-starved "Blackbird" to the pointless Beach-Boys rip-off "Back in the USSR", to the mean-spirited "While My Guitar Gently Weeps", to the what-were-they-thinking-oh-no-they-weren't-thinking-they-were-riffing "Honey Pie" this album aspires to clap-trap. No wonder they refused to put their faces on it!! I only gave it no stars because you can't give things negative-5 stars! I tried to return it the next day, but the temp who lent it to me had prematurely quit, probably thankful he had finally stuck someone with this musical bogey! GALLAGHER VHS BOXED SET ***** (5 star review) WORKED FOR ME!!! By MisterEveryman NO ONE recommended this to me, and I had my hopes way-down for it as it was part of a "Secret Santa" event at my soon-to-be-EX place of work, and it had clearly been re-gifted after YEARS of collecting dust (whoever gave it didn't even bother to wipe off the dust!) Furthermore, I have NEVER enjoyed PROP COMEDY, and ALWAYS considered it the LOWEST form of humor. This "collection" was on it's way to the trash heap when I thought I'd give it just one minute to see if my uncle's VCR still worked. Lo and behold it did and a minute turned into five, turned into 20, turned into a three-day-long binge marathon of viewings and re-viewings!! Hooray! The brightly-togged, handsomely-balding, sweetly-sour monologist, had me rolling on the floors, up the walls, and across ceilings with his trenchant, pointed, spot-on riffs and wildly imaginative splatter-spewing props! SPOILER ALERT: Most of his props shoot goopy liquid at the audience. What was America thinking when it let this brand of humor languish in favor of Jerry Seinfeld's meandering, point-deprived ruminations?!! More pooping props, I say! I only gave it 5 stars because you cannot give eighteen million! It almost made being fired from work and disowned by my uncle (AND kicked out of his guest house AND asked not to "leave any more long messages OR ANY messages for-that-matter EVER AGAIN") worth it.

Hey Everybody! Long Time No Write!

2009-09-23T01:31:28Z

which will be airing in December, so set your tivo’s for, “TV from England” and enjoy. It’s called, “The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret” and I’m really happy with it. It has a fucking AMAZING cast. And outside of not securing the rights to “Happy Jack” by The Who, everything turned out pretty much as I wanted it to. Will Arnett and Spike Jonez and Amber Tamblyn represent the American side of things at its best and the insanely, unfairly talented Sharon Horgan (Pulling) , Russell Tovey (Being Human) and Matt King (Peep Show) represent the British in all their naked glory. Oh! Also, the Russo brothers (Arrested Development pilot and most of the best episodes) directed. And what a fucking treat working with everyone over there. Pretty much the exact opposite experience of doing a show here. The studio and network all treat you like an equal. Shockingly, they will defer to you! Never any insipid notes like, “can you make the Irish woman with rickets a German teen-age boy with secret chocolate wings and a time machine? And also make him claymation? We think that will really broaden our audience that we’re trying to sell Gatorade to. We have a study that shows that electric grape flavored Gatorade is the flavor of choice with fans of claymation, time-traveling, chocolate German angels.” The folks at RDF (the studio) and Channel 4 (network) could not have been more pleasant, equitable, or fun to work with. Also, Jon Benjamin (of the Worcester Benjamins) and I have completed and turned in a pilot for Adult Swim which we both have high hopes for. I can’t tell you anything about it because it’s a secret. But a funny secret nonetheless. I've also got a book coming out at the end of August titled, "I Drink For A Reason" which is also funny. I will be doing a smallish tour, hopefully with Nick Swardson filling in the bill, up and down and here, diagonally, across the United States of America and Two Places in Canada starting in mid September. Bob and I keep fueling the pipe dream we have of writing/performing/touring/filming together. Every time we are lucky enough to get to hang out and do shows together (and with the resultant new sketches being written and performed) we always end up sweaty(Bob), drunk (me) and in a time-hardened lovers lock rolling around on the ground swearing we're gonna do something together, "for real this time!!" We will of course. I'm just hoping it's before I need to change the prescription on my bifocals. OH! Also, check out kickstarter.com! It's this very cool website that is a community fundraising site for creative projects. You pledge money to fund a project but you don't have to pay a cent unless it gets funded 100%. Then, depending on the artist, you get some sort of premium depending on how much money you contribute. Anywhere from five bucks to a couple of hundred. I got on board very early on in its development and am going to try to raise money to go to McMurdo (base? town? I'm not even sure) in the South Pole in Antarctica and do a comedy show for the 1,000 or so people who work/live there. It costs like 20 grand to get international clearance and fly down there. Could be cool. And weird. More likely weird. Goddamn, what else? Mark Rivers is having a baby. Eh, whatever. Anyway, sorry for being so anti-social but I really have been working on a ton of stuff. I hope to see you at a bookstore or theater or music club near you soon. Enjoy the summer! I'll be upstate at my house in the woods on my trampoline with my dog and some b-b-q. David Cross

A snippet from "DAVID'S SITUATION"

2009-09-19T22:02:21Z

Here is a short bit of the pilot David and I shot for HBO a few months ago. Supposedly the WHOLE THING is going to be posted on FUNNYORDON'T, a website that makes jokes compete with each other...watch for it.

ANDRE HYLAND...funny video...just really great, check it.

2009-08-11T00:09:40Z

Casey & Trina "Doughnut" - watch more funny videos

COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS BOOK ON CD IS OUT NOW!!

2009-08-10T18:37:45Z

MOUSE THIS to find where you can purchase it, or MOUSE HERE for the itunes and you can download just parts if you're picky. Basically, I got a bunch of great and funny friends together and we read sections of the book to a packed house at the UCB. Jay Johnston, Paul F. Tompkins, Andy Kindler, Tim Heidecker, Eric Hoffman, Gary Rudoren, Matt Besser, Kate Flannery, Matt Walsh, BJ Porter, Scott Aukerman did the live show, and Janeane Garofalo, David Cross, Sarah Silverman, Zach Galafianiaaisaasakjkdl;;ljf, Greg Proops and Patton Oswalt read in other situations...oh, and the lilting tones of Dave Eggers reading can be heard on it as well. Once again, the book comically analyzes comedy down to the goofiest particle. It's very dry and sarcastic and a little mean-spirited. You may not like it. But, then...you wouldn't like me very much and that's fine.