- He wasn't! Huckleberry Finn, a nasty character, takes a freed slave down a river in a raft. They see some things, almost tip over, blah-de-blah...the end. And it's all written in pitiful childspeak. Was Mr. Twain's keyboard broken? Sad. What was I thinking when I checked this out? I returned it late and had to PAY a FINE! I ripped up my library card as well as the receipt for payment. Yeesh - that was an adventure I never want to relive! SPOILER ALERT FOR YOUR LIFE: Don't listen to your co-workers, even your boss, even if he IS a Lawyer and your uncle. Trust me, you'll thank me.

Francis Ford Coppola's THE GODFATHER

HALF! star DIDN'T WORK FOR ME

By MisterEveryman

What's all the fuss?!! I was told by EVERYONE in my EX-BOOK CLUB at WORK that I had to see Francis Coppolo's "GodFather Number One". Why? "Because", they screamed at me, "It won some Oscars"! FOR WHAT? - TEDIUM?!! I am heartbroken to have to report that it was PURE CINEMATIC DRIVEL! Take note - I am a huuuuuuge fan of Godfather's Two and Three - (I tend to watch things out of order - still haven't seen the first "Jaws"!) But #1 represents a serious stumble on the part of the great Coppola and Puzzo team. It's a mish-mash re-hash of stories that stumble and start and stop and then, suddenly, out of nowhere, at the end, is a MONTAGE of VIOLENCE!! (BTW - "montage" is a French-derived word for "a film-maker throwing up his hands and shouting, "I dunno - YOU figure it out!") And what was that baptism stuff about? Was that supposed to SIGNIFY something? I don't think so. Methinks someone's been hitting the ol' vino a bit too hard. Heads up, if you force yourself to sit through this you will then have to force yourself to pretend to like it, otherwise incur the wrath of everyone at work, INCLUDING YOUR UNCLE AND EVEN THE TEMPS! And heads up - if you borrow the DVD from someone who works at your workplace, return it promptly or risk being labeled an annoyance and chatterbox! The only reason I give it half a star is because it spawned the excellent GODFATHER #3! See that one, miss this one, thank me and you're welcome!

THE BEATLES' "WHITE ALBUM"

ZERO STARS Didn't Work For Me

By MisterEveryman

I am a GINORMOUS The Beatles fan! I am! I have every one of their albums, including reissues AND their funny, funny, Christmas messages to fans. I have over 60 bootlegs! SPOILER ALERT - The Beatles are, some might say, the PRIMORDIAL pop group of all time. But somehow, after all these years, the one album I'd never gotten around to was this infamous unnamed double set. When a temp at my workplace whom I'd never met before (and who quit the next day) saw me wearing my The Beatles! tie and commented on it, I filled him in on my fandom. When he heard I'd never heard the "White" album, he INSISTED I must hear it immediately and ran down to get it from his car. I couldn't wait to get to my uncle's guest - house where I am living while he is out of town (soon after my arrival he started a new "branch" of the law business a couple miles south), to plop it into the player, eager to hear more "The Beatles" brilliance. All I can say is Fooey! My ears almost jumped out of their sockets! What drivel! From the melody-starved "Blackbird" to the pointless Beach-Boys rip-off "Back in the USSR", to the mean-spirited "While My Guitar Gently Weeps", to the what-were-they-thinking-oh-no-they-weren't-thinking-they-were-riffing "Honey Pie" this album aspires to clap-trap. No wonder they refused to put their faces on it!! I only gave it no stars because you can't give things negative-5 stars! I tried to return it the next day, but the temp who lent it to me had prematurely quit, probably thankful he had finally stuck someone with this musical bogey!

GALLAGHER VHS BOXED SET

***** (5 star review) WORKED FOR ME!!!

By MisterEveryman

NO ONE recommended this to me, and I had my hopes way-down for it as it was part of a "Secret Santa" event at my soon-to-be-EX place of work, and it had clearly been re-gifted after YEARS of collecting dust (whoever gave it didn't even bother to wipe off the dust!) Furthermore, I have NEVER enjoyed PROP COMEDY, and ALWAYS considered it the LOWEST form of humor. This "collection" was on it's way to the trash heap when I thought I'd give it just one minute to see if my uncle's VCR still worked. Lo and behold it did and a minute turned into five, turned into 20, turned into a three-day-long binge marathon of viewings and re-viewings!! Hooray! The brightly-togged, handsomely-balding, sweetly-sour monologist, had me rolling on the floors, up the walls, and across ceilings with his trenchant, pointed, spot-on riffs and wildly imaginative splatter-spewing props! SPOILER ALERT: Most of his props shoot goopy liquid at the audience. What was America thinking when it let this brand of humor languish in favor of Jerry Seinfeld's meandering, point-deprived ruminations?!! More pooping props, I say! I only gave it 5 stars because you cannot give eighteen million! It almost made being fired from work and disowned by my uncle (AND kicked out of his guest house AND asked not to "leave any more long messages OR ANY messages for-that-matter EVER AGAIN") worth it.