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September 26, 2008

A CALL FOR CHANGE! (my campaign speech - with STAGE DIRECTIONS)

America, it's time for change. (HOLD FOR APPLAUSE)

The current city of Washington is a cesspool. (HOLD FOR APPLAUSE). It's worse than a cesspool. It's a bilge pond. (HOLD FOR CONFUSION) I say it's time we wipe out Washington as we know it and establish a new city of Washington. (HOLD FOR SHOUTS OF "YOU GO, GIRL!") A city I propose that we call..."New Washington". (HOLD FOR UNCERTAIN APPLAUSE)

If I run, and if I am elected -- that is, if I let you vote for me - (SWALLOW, SMILE, ADJUST CROTCH - HOPEFULLY THEY'LL HAVE A PODIUM - MUST HAVE PODIUM!) I'm going to make things different than they are now. Things that are one way will become another (THOUGHTFUL PAUSE) way. I notice a lot of you have uncertain, questioning looks on your faces. (NOTICE THEIR LOOKS) It's as though you are wondering-

(DON'T DO "DUMB GUY" VOICE!) "What are you gonna do, man, just change stuff randomly?" No! I'm not going to - (USE "DUMB GUY" VOICE HERE) "Just change stuff randomly". (SHAKE HEAD, LAUGH TO SELF) Come on, give me some credit here. I am going to offer incentives in the form of tax breaks and fewer taxes, for people and small corporations, and large corporations, and reduce taxes in the process and along the way. (ASK FOR APPLAUSE-) Come on people, I think we should all applaud new ideas, don't you? (IF THEY DON'T "GET IT", BE MORE SPECIFIC-) By "we" I mean, "you". (IF THEY STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND, MAKE IT HAPPEN-) I'll start... (APPLAUD FOR YOURSELF UNTIL SOMEONE PICKS UP ON IT. WIPE SWEAT FROM BROW, DRINK PLENTY OF WATER) Thank you, thank you very much.

Now I am sure you have questions. (DO "DUMB GUY" VOICE) "Hey, I work in Washington, will I have to change?" (NORMAL VOICE) Well, are you a lobbyist? (DUMB GUY) "Yeah, I am." (REGULAR) Well, explain yourself then, you louse! (SUPER DUMB) "Well, I'll do my dangdest. See, I'm an American. I have a wife and 3 kids. I was in the peace corps, I go to church, I'm a good person..." (REGULAR VOICE) Well, fine, what kind of lobbyist are you? (DUMB GUY VOICE SLOWLY GETTING SMARTER AND SMARTER-) "I work for 'The Center For American Outreach' we represent non-profit groups that lobby for human rights and we inform Senators and Representatives of votes that affect how America can best spend money overseas, to help third world people in need." (REGULAR VOICE) Oh. Wow. That sounds like you do good work. (DUMB GUY VOICE AGAIN) "I do! I save people who're starvin'!" (REGULAR VOICE) Wow...I don't know what to say. That's...I didn't know some lobbyists work for, you know, good reasons. (LONG PAUSE, CLEAR THROAT, SCRATCH HEAD, STRETCH NECK, CRACK KNUCKLES, EXHALE, SPEAK VERY FAST AND DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT) I'm sorry I ever did that impersonation, folks, it really slowed me down. I think I've lost track here. What was I talking about, again?

(LISTEN AS PEOPLE SHOUT -) "Change!!"

(NOD, AVOID CROWD'S GAZE) Right. Right. Well, we're going to change things and begin to hope again, and, as well, make right goodness and better for everyone. (TAKE RECOMMENDED DOSAGE OF ZANEX, DRINK PLENTY OF FLUIDS)
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