Enuffs Znuff.
Hello, David here. I've internally debated the merits of addressing my appearance in, (and thus tacit condoning of) "Alvin and The Chipmunks". I am not stupid nor unobservant. I knew going into this movie that I would be eating a lot of delicious shit for it. Usually I wouldn't give a shit about what everyone's feelings are about it, but I wasn't prepared for the level, or amount I should say, of vitriol that's been flung about like so much monkey poo. But then I read Patton's snide comment in his blog about how he and Brian were offered the part and how they then chucked the script in disgust only to have it hungrily intercepted from it's intended trajectory into the incinerator by me, a money hungry whore sell out, (I'm paraphrasing). That got under my skin and I stewed a little and because I stupidly (and vainly) have a "Google Alert" for myself, got to read various blogs, and posts questioning my integrity and talent, specifically because I chose to do the movie. The posts would range in varying degrees of anger from mild disappointment to seething outrage!! So now I will speak my piece and move on (I will move on, I can't speak for the rest of you. You might harbor ill will towards me for a lifetime, or at least until you have kids who actually enjoy the movie). None of the reasons stated below mean much on their own, but put them all together and you can at least see why I took the part. Also I would like to add that I have no regrets at all. I enjoyed my time on set and the director Tim Hill was a pleasure to work with. There was no pretending or ignoring that we weren't working on a big commercial movie to be rushed into theaters to fill an empty christmas time, children's movie slot. And while in LA working on the film I got to hang out with friends, work with Bob on what would eventually become the show we pitched to HBO, work on a movie idea with Bob, Scott and B.J. and Brian, and got to do a bunch of stand-up sets with great comics for what I consider some of the best, smartest audiences in the country.

MITIGATING FACTOR #1
I have not seen the movie so I can't really comment to whether it's an "evil" or "dangerous" "piece of shit "or not. The reason I haven't seen the movie is because I am not eight years old. I am an adult and don't see children's movies. I haven't ever seen "Curious George", "She's the Man", or the "Dr. Doolittle" movies that I worked on for the same reason. I never saw "School for Scoundrels" either but that's just 'cause it looked like it was gonna suck. Was I right? Occasionally on a plane I will sort of half watch something like "Angels in the Outfield" or "Stardust" but other than that I'm usually not exposed to movies designed specifically to be seen by children. The very same children that wouldn't be able to see, much less enjoy "I Am Legend", "Charlie Wilson's War", "Walk Hard", "Aliens vs Predator", "P.S. I Love You", "Sweeny Todd", or any of the other movies that came out at the same time. Should we check with some children and see if they had the same experience that Roger Ebert had watching the film? Seems like a waste of time, they're a bunch of kids. Should I however check with Roger Ebert to see if he liked this movie? Again, probably a waste of time because I will never see it, so his opinion is moot. It's the exact same reason I should give no credence to whatever MirthSlayer12 chatting on-line from his bedroom in Phoenix thinks of the movie either. It's not meant for either of us.

MITIGATING FACTOR#2
I was too young to enjoy the original "Alvin and the Chipmunks" because I wasn't born yet. And I was too old to enjoy the later incarnation in the 80's, so it holds no precious memories for me to defile. If someone decided to re-make "Chitty-Chitty Bang Bang", (a movie I fucking LOVED when I was a kid) with the cast of "High School Musical" and Raven Symone giving voice to a now sassy CGI car with tits that sang about race relations I think that I would not care about that either. It's a waste of time and energy. I choose to care about other things that I believe are worth the investment of that kind of outrage, disappointment, and sense of urgency.

MITIGATING FACTOR#3
I like to work. I really do. I enjoy it and try to have fun no matter what I'm doing. I assume part of the reason I get hired for the things I'm offered is for that very reason. I have fun on set and tend to riff all over the place. What they choose to keep from that (if anything) is up to them. But I do try to have as much fun as possible. Up to working on "Alvin" I had not worked in six (SIX!) months. That is an eternity if you're an actor. Think about not working for two months with no hope of anything on the horizon. Now triple that. It was the longest period without work since after "Ben Stiller" got cancelled (the show, not the man) and I was going nuts. I was depressed and difficult to live with. I was VERY happy to have the work. Again, no regrets.

MITIGATING FACTOR #4
I love Patton and think the world of him and his talent. That will never change, no matter how many times he chooses to wear a kilt and hungrily guzzle sugary sweet, Sierra Mist (Oh snap!!) in an unintentional metaphor for everything being discussed here. What Patton doesn't know (I'm assuming) is that the part was originally offered to me, I said, "no way!", then it was offered to Patton, Brian, and I don't know who else. Then, months later, after everyone turned it down, they came back to me with a much more generous offer. I then said, "yes way!".
I like to imagine a fantasy conversation with Patton wherein I say, "wait a second. Are you trying to tell me that if you were offered the part of Ratatouille and the part of "Ian" in "Alvin and the Chipmunks" but you could only do one of them that you would honestly rather take the "Ratatouille" role? Really? Well guess what, me too." And then walk away in triumph knowing that I had gotten him with a real zinger©!
One thing to note here is that we know that they approached at least me, Patton, and Brian. Three non-traditional funny guys who can do something with the part that isn't on the page. I'd say the people involved with the film (at least on the creative end) have pretty good taste. They could have offered the part to Anthony Clark or Jim Breuer or Dat Phan, but then....

MITIGATING FACTOR #4a
I live in NYC for a reason. I enjoy it here. I have numerous creative friends and we share much of the same sensibilities. We rarely, if ever, talk about "the business", which I really like. Something that people constantly talk about in LA, which I really don't like. This comes with a cost of course. It's expensive to live here. I have a pretty modest lifestyle, I live in the same relatively small 1100 sq. foot apartment since I moved here. I don't own a car, don't go out "clubbing", and don't really own anything of much value. I am in no way hurting for money but I guarantee you that I have much, much less than you think. The reason I bring this up is because two years ago I decided that I wanted to get a small place upstate. Nothing fancy, a small cottage on at least a couple of acres near some water where I could get out of here, get some fresh air, buy a smoker, make some b-b-q and hang out with my dog on the porch. I looked informally for a long time but never found anything that I liked in my price range. Then finally, after much disappointed searching, I did. It's a small cottage on 5 1/2 acres in the middle of the woods in Sullivan county. It has a largish stream running through it and best of all it's in the middle of nowhere. No town, no nothing. Two hours outside the city and only about a ten minute drive from the Delaware River. Perfect. It was a little more than I had budgeted for but it was definitely worth it. I asked the owner if he'd take some of my credibility as payment. He looked at me as if I was an alien with A.I.D.S. speaking some intergalactic gobbledy-goo. I had to patiently explain to this country bumpkin about my indie hipster cred, and I would now like to cash it in. This rural rube was so backwards and ignorant that he couldn't even conceive of how financial markets work and simple free market capitalism. I tried again to explain the concept of the value of "credibility" and "artistic integrity" but he refused to take it in exchange for the house. This guy was a fucking idiot! But what could I do? He wouldn't take no for an answer. If I wanted that cottage I would have to pay him money. Sigh. So I used my "Alvin and the Chipmunks" money to pay for the down payment. Seriously, I totally did.

So there it is. I don't expect to change many minds with all of this but at least it hopefully lessens some of the sense that I'm some kind of whore sell-out who doesn't care about anything but making money.

Also, the NY Times called me "delightfully scene stealing" so suck it!

Yours until the next piece of shit I'm in,
David