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July 26, 2006

I LOVE MOVIES - (Dead Man's Dupree)

Okay, this is getting really bad. I haven't been to the cinema in a while because I've been busy running my Myspace account, watching ROCK STAR, and trying to get people to vote for me at http://www.nbc.com/Last_Comic_Standing/voting. (It's a contest to pick two comics to make an appearance on the finale of LCS, and if you don't feel like voting for me, well, fuck you.) The only movie I've seen in weeks is MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III and the only reason I sat through a less sexy two-hour episode of ALIAS in a theater is because I had time to kill while my car was getting serviced. So, like a poker player with one chip who throws it into the pot without even looking at his cards, here's hoping I am right about the following shitass movies...

MONSTER HOUSE – Hey, that's what I call my girlfriend's vagina!*

MY SUPER EX-GIRLFRIEND – A comedy for both men and women who hate fun.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST – I assume this sequel's title is a reference to Keira Knightly's boobies.

YOU, ME AND DUPREE – You and Dupree can do whatever you want, just leave me out of it.

LITTLE MAN – The fact that this dumbfest got greenlit is proof that where there's a will, there's a Wayans.

SUPERMAN RETURNS - You'd think that after years and years of being the Man of Steel, Superman would call ahead when he's gonna go somewhere to check and see if they have any Kryptonite, especially a villain's lair. For instance, I have allergies, so if I get invited to a party, I find out if there are any kitties living in the building. If there are, I just don't go. Unless they are prepared to put the cat in a lead box.

THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA - Number one on my list of movies not to see!

WASSUP ROCKERS - From the pervert who directed KIDS and BULLY, another example of top notch pervery!

THE DA VINCI CODE - Tom Hanks and Ron Howard, making crap together again!

JUST MY LUCK - Another magical switching places story starring Lindsay Lohan, who should've switched into another movie (like FREAKY FRIDAY II, or MEANER GIRLS, or HERBIE: THE CAR THAT FUCKED A GIRL).

THE PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION - Lindsay Lohan co-stars in one of the few Robert Altman movies that doesn't feature gratuitous nudity. Thanks for nothing, old man!

OVER THE HEDGE - If I wanted to see little critters foraging for food, I'd look at my pubes.**

POSEIDON - Re-making THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE must've been a real challenge, with the filmmakers having to ask themselves at every turn,
"How can we made this one dumber?"

KEEPING UP WITH THE STEINS - Ew. But starting with a J.

DOWN IN THE VALLEY - Not sure if the location in the title is a reference to the one in San Fernando or Evan Rachel Wood's.

UNITED 93 - Since I travel quite a bit, it's too soon to see it. I'll wait until it becomes an in-flight movie.

HOOT - Isn't one.

*I don't have a girlfriend.

**I just know my sense of humor will mature some day. Maybe when I'm 80.