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January 26, 2006

I LOVE OSCAR BAIT!

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY recently printed a list of "25 Movies To See Before Oscar Night." Since I always do everything ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY tells me to do - thanks for tricking me into seeing the (thankfully) last bore-fest from Merchant-Ivory, EW! - I sat through every one 'em. Now, you don't have to!*

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN - Don't panic homophobes, you totally get to see Michelle Williams and Anne Hathaway's boobies when they have sex with the gay cowboys.

CRASH - Dare to not like it, you racist!

GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK - It must be really smart if it's in black and white! Nice try, Clooney.

MUNICH - Attention evildoers: get your terrorism tips here!

CINDERELLA MAN - If Oscar doesn't call, Russell Crowe will throw a phone at his face.

WALK THE LINE - It's just like RAY, but no black people! (Yay!)

SYRIANA - It must be important if an actor gains 40 pounds for it! Nice try again, Clooney.

A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE - Should've been called A HISTORY OF SLAPSTICK VIOLENCE. Was the last twenty minutes directed by John Landis?

THE CONSTANT GARDENER - Okay, so I really didn't see all 25 of these fuckers.

CAPOTE - There's another movie about Truman Capote coming out soon, so I'll just wait and not see that one, either.

TRANSAMERICA - I'll hold out for the sequel, TRANSEUROPEAN VACATION.

NORTH COUNTRY - Why doesn't Aeon Flux just kick the shit out of that dirty, toothless miner/rapist? Or blow him and then kill him like in MONSTER?

PRIDE & PREJUDICE - It's the second best movie on this list with an ampersand in the title!

MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA - Who likes Chinese actors playing Japanese characters speaking in phonetic English? I don't!

MATCH POINT - I wouldn't want to belong to a tennis club that has Woody Allen as a member.

MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS - I got Dench'd!

KING KONG - It's TITANIC, JURASSIC PARK and the original KING KONG rolled into none!

HUSTLE & FLOW - Better than PRIDE & PREJUDICE!

THE SQUID AND THE WHALE - The best movie on this list that could've used an ampersand in the title but didn't!

JUNEBUG - I haven't seen it yet, but it's second on my Netflix queue, right after SUICIDEGIRLS: THE FIRST TOUR.

THE UPSIDE OF ANGER - If you liked director Mike Binder's HBO series MIND OF THE MARRIED MAN, you're an idiot!

THE 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN - Anyone who doesn't have sex with a willing hottie just because she threw up on him deserves to die a virgin (and remain a virgin in hell).

CACHE (HIDDEN) - Uh, I hate to break this to you, EW - this movie isn't eligible for Best Foreign Film because it's the work of a Dutch filmmaker but it's all in French. (Dumbass rule, Oscar-givers!)

SHOPGIRL - Also known as STEVE MARTIN'S GUIDE TO FUCKING YOUNG WOMEN.

THE CHRONCICLES OF NARNIA - I would've liked to see that lion nailed to a cross.

*You're welcome.