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December 13, 2005

I LOVE MOVIES - The Chronicles of Kong

A few weeks ago I was on a two hour flight sitting across the aisle from a teenage
boy and his mother who, I swear to semi-mighty Jesus, took turns reading to each
other from THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE WITCH, THE LION AND THE OTHER THING.
The boy would read one chapter, and then at the end of it say, "Your turn!"
And then the mother would read a chapter...out-fucking-loud! It drove me batfart
crazy. But it didn't seem to bother anyone else on the plane, so i didn't feel
like I could say anything about it. I figured if I asked them to quit it, they
would tell me there's no rules against reading aloud on a plane, or they would
stop and make me feel bad for ruining their (idea of) fun. So i sat there and
did nothing except stew in my irritation. The upside: I lost three pounds! But
enough about my ball sweat, let's shit on some movies!

KING KONG - A total rip-off, because in three hours of Naomi
Watts hanging from cliffs and vines and the Empire State Building, there is not
one shot looking up her dress.

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE - What happens in the back of a wardrobe should stay in the back of a wardrobe.*

SYRIANA - Just keep telling yourself it's confusing on purpose.

JUST FRIENDS - I can't commit to sitting through it.

AEON FLUX - Sux.

MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA - Hookers have never been this boring!

WALK THE LINE - I don't care who the celebrity bio-pic is about, the section depicting "recovery" is always a good time to take a shit/snack break. And then never come back.

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN - Before this movie, I thought all cowboys
boned each other out on the range.

MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS - Before this movie, I thought I'd have
to live my entire life without seeing some Bob Hoskins cock.

TRANSAMERICA - Lady with a dick alert!

YOURS, MINE & OURS - I hate children. And math.

THE FAMILY STONE - If it was THE FAMILY STONED, I still wouldn't go!

CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN 2 - Math and kids again? Fuck off.

*Especially when it involves talking beavers.