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September 15, 2005

I LOVE MOVIES - (The Constant Capote)

The week before last I did stand-up for a week in Atlantic City. The hotel/casino where I was staying has a video screen in the elevator(s) that plays a different movie each day. The elevator only takes a minute or so to get to my floor, but it's nice that they give riders something to do besides staring at the floor. Monday the ele-movie was BATMAN (not RETURNS, or FOREVER, or AND ROBIN, or BEGINS, or the Adam West one). Tuesday was RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. Wednesday was OCTOPUSSY - featuring the classic Bond villain, Eight-Twat McGee.

Thursday was THE SOUND OF MUSIC, which isn't nice at all to inflict on innocent gamblers losing a shitload of money and then hearing Julie Andrews and a bunch of kids singing is not one of my favorite things. Friday was SHREK (Donkey!). Saturday was THE WIZARD OF OZ, which just made me want to go home - and fuck some ruby slippers. Sunday was some old black & white Spencer Tracy shit. I think it was FATHER OF THE BRIDE (Or JUDGEMENT AT NUREMBERG.) And on Labor Day, the movie was ROCKY (not II, III, IV OR V), but NORMA RAE would've been more appropriate, if you think about it. (Dont think about it.) Now, some crap coming to an Atlantic City elevator soon!

CORPSE BRIDE I assume the title character is based on Lindsay Lohan.

FLIGHTPLAN Why didnt they just call it PANIC PLANE and then not make it?

JUST LIKE HEAVEN A romance between a dead girl and a living dude is stupid because its impossible to fuck a ghost. (No friction!)

A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE Finally someone found a way to get me to pay attention to history.

AN UNFINISHED LIFE Robert Redford should go ahead and finish it already.

THE MAN "A comedy that totally rocks! Hollywoods oddest pairing sizzles!" Jim Ferguson, a dumbshit who loves seeing his own name in print*

THE CAVE I assume the title character is based on Sharon Stone.

CAPOTE I predict this movies theatrical run will be just like Truman Capote in real life. Short, and full of dicks.

THE CONSTANT GARDENER Would be a lot more exciting if it was actually about a guy who was gardening constantly.

THE GREATEST GAME EVER PLAYED Golf? Good one!

MARGARET CHO: ASSASSIN The only thing she kills is the feeling in my ass.

TRANSPORTER 2 Its better than the original, like when you take a shit and then say, "that was better than the last shit I took!"

THE EXORCISM OF EMILY ROSE A thriller that makes you think. Thoughts like, "I could be home taking a better shit!"

RED EYE I assume the title character is based on me.

*Enjoy it, stupid!