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July 5, 2005

I LOVE MOVIES - (War of the Fantastic Herbies)

There's an old joke that Woody Allen tells in ANNIE HALL that ends with a line like "The food is terrible. And such small portions." That came to mind when I checked out the four alternate endings attached to the DVD version of the Deniro/Fanning match-up HIDE AND SEEK. All of the endings are terrible. And they are really short. (And still too long.) Now let's talk about some other movies that (smart) people won't see in theaters because they would rather watch them at home for a dollar!

DARK WATER Distinguished actress and Academy Award winner Jennifer Connelly...in a wet t-shirt!

FANTASTIC FOUR This is a funny coincidence, because my nickname for Jessica Alba has always been The Fantastic Four.*

WAR OF THE WORLDS The moral of this movie isdon't have kids. Because they will slow your ass down when you are trying to run from an alien invasion.

BEWITCHED The worst Nora Ephron movie ever. Congrats, Nora!

BATMAN BEGINS Bruce Wayne is played by Christian Bale, and Batman is played by Henry Rollins.

MR. AND MRS. SMITH Cover all of your holes Brad and Angelina, because I wanna put stuff in 'em!

LAND OF THE DEAD John Leguizamo does not die soon enough.

THE HONEYMOONERS John Leguizamo does not die soon enough.

HERBIE: FULLY LOADED Rumor has it Lindsay Lohan's breasts were digitally reduced because they didn't test well with parents. I bet they did test well with teenage boys, lesbians and babies.

*For her ass, her belly, her boob and her other boob.