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June 2, 2005

I LOVE MOVIES IS BACK!

People come up to me all the time and say, "Why don't you write reviews more often?" Then I scream at them, "Why don't YOU write reviews movie often?!!" And then they walk away puzzled and irritated (and a little aroused). But the bottom line is, Hollywood makes crap faster than I can smell it. So I wrote a summer movie preview just to get everybody off my back for a few months. It didn't work. So here are some new reviews. I don't want to hear a peep out of you biatch-tards for at least three weeks. (If you really can't get enough of me, check out my daily blog at www.myspaceisqueer.com.)

THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS They should get together with the Ya Ya Sisterhood and then fuck off.

MADAGASCAR If I wanted to spend two hours with talking animals, I'd visit my family.

THE LONGEST YARD Are movies getting smaller, or did Courtney Cox-Arquette's tits get bigger?

STAR WARS: REVENGE OF THE SITH - I wasn't bored for a minute. I was bored for 142 minutes!*

MONSTER-IN-LAW Makes me wish I could murder a movie.

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN Hella dull.

HOUSE OF WAX Prey. Slay. Display. Gay.

THE INTERPRETER Sean Penn and Nicole Kidman, together for the first waste of time!

UNLEASHED I'd prefer to see a movie called UNHINGED, about a door that, when taken off of its hinges, goes nuts and kicks the shit out of people.

THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY I can't wait to check it out three months from now on a plane!

*Recycled joke from my review of HULK.